Sober Curious: 14 Questions to Ask Before Quitting Drinking

You’re starting to wonder about your relationship with alcohol. Not because you’ve hit rock bottom or had some dramatic crisis—you just have this nagging feeling that drinking isn’t serving you anymore. Maybe it’s the Sunday anxiety. Maybe it’s the regret after saying something you didn’t mean. Maybe it’s just noticing that you feel worse more often than you feel better.

You’re not ready to label yourself or commit to forever. You’re just curious: what would life be like without alcohol? Would it be better? Different? Boring? Freeing? You don’t know, and that uncertainty is keeping you stuck in a pattern you’re not sure you want to continue.

This is what “sober curious” means—questioning your relationship with alcohol without necessarily committing to permanent sobriety. It’s exploring whether drinking adds to your life or takes from it. It’s asking honest questions about a substance that’s so normalized you might never have questioned it before.

These fourteen questions aren’t designed to shame you or scare you. They’re designed to create clarity. Some will make you uncomfortable—that’s often where truth lives. Some will reveal things you already know but haven’t admitted. Some will surprise you with insights you didn’t expect.

You don’t have to answer them all at once. You don’t have to share your answers with anyone. You just have to be honest with yourself. Because the first step to changing any relationship—including your relationship with alcohol—is understanding what that relationship actually is.

Ready to get curious?

Why These Questions Matter

Dr. Judson Brewer’s research on addiction shows that awareness is the crucial first step to change. You can’t modify a relationship you’re not willing to examine. These questions create that examination—they shine light on patterns you might be unconsciously maintaining.

The “sober curious” movement, popularized by Ruby Warrington’s book, recognizes that you don’t have to identify as an alcoholic to benefit from examining your drinking. You can simply be curious about whether alcohol is adding value to your life.

These questions work because they bypass defensiveness. They’re not asking “are you an alcoholic?” They’re asking “what is your actual experience with alcohol?” Facts, not labels. Observations, not judgments.

The 14 Questions

Question #1: What Am I Actually Trying to Feel When I Drink?

Why This Matters: Most drinking is about changing how you feel. Identifying what you’re trying to achieve helps you understand what need alcohol is filling.

Dig Deeper: Are you drinking to feel relaxed? Confident? Connected? Fun? Less anxious? More comfortable socially? To celebrate? To cope? To numb something?

The Honest Answer: Write down the actual feelings you’re chasing with alcohol. Not what drinking is “supposed” to do—what you’re personally using it for.

What This Reveals: If you’re using alcohol to achieve specific emotional states, you’re medicating feelings rather than enjoying a beverage. That distinction matters.

Real-life example: Sarah, 34, realized she drank to feel “less anxious in social situations.” “Once I admitted that, I had to ask: is alcohol actually reducing my anxiety or just masking it temporarily while making it worse overall? The answer was uncomfortable but clear—it was making my anxiety worse while convincing me it was helping.”

Question #2: How Do I Actually Feel After Drinking?

Why This Matters: We focus on how alcohol makes us feel during drinking. This question shifts focus to the aftermath—the hours and days after.

Dig Deeper: How’s your sleep quality? Your morning mood? Your anxiety levels the next day? Your physical state? Your mental clarity? Your emotional stability?

The Honest Answer: Track how you actually feel for 24-48 hours after drinking. Not how you think you should feel or how you tell people you feel—how you actually feel.

What This Reveals: If you consistently feel worse after drinking than before, alcohol is creating a net negative in your life, even if the drinking moment feels positive.

Real-life example: Marcus, 41, started tracking his post-drinking feelings. “I felt terrible every time—anxious, guilty, physically sick, mentally foggy. But I kept drinking because I only focused on the 2-3 hours while drinking that felt fun. When I looked at the full 48-hour cycle, alcohol was making me feel bad 90% of the time for 10% of feeling good. That math didn’t work.”

Question #3: Am I Drinking More Than I Intended More Often Than Not?

Why This Matters: If you regularly drink more than planned, it indicates that alcohol is controlling the decision, not you.

Dig Deeper: How often do you say “just one or two” and have four or five? Do you set limits you consistently break? Do you plan to drink moderately and end up drunk?

The Honest Answer: Over the last month, how many times did you drink exactly what you planned versus how many times you exceeded it?

What This Reveals: Loss of control isn’t an occasional blackout—it’s consistently being unable to stop at your own predetermined limit.

Real-life example: Jennifer, 38, noticed a pattern: “I’d tell myself ‘two glasses of wine’ and have the whole bottle every single time. I wasn’t blacking out or making terrible decisions, but I also wasn’t in control. If I couldn’t keep a promise to myself about something as simple as stopping at two glasses, that was information I needed to acknowledge.”

Question #4: What Would Change If I Stopped Drinking for 30 Days?

Why This Matters: This question forces you to imagine life without alcohol concretely. Your answer reveals what you think you’d gain or lose.

Dig Deeper: What would improve? What would you miss? What scares you about stopping? What excites you? What social situations feel impossible without alcohol?

The Honest Answer: Make two lists: “What I’d Gain Without Alcohol for 30 Days” and “What I’d Lose Without Alcohol for 30 Days.” Be completely honest about both.

What This Reveals: If your “lose” list is primarily social comfort and coping mechanisms, that shows you’re dependent on alcohol for functioning in normal life situations. If your “gain” list is long and compelling, that shows you already know alcohol is costing you things you value.

Real-life example: David, 45, made his lists. “My ‘gain’ list had 12 items: better sleep, no anxiety, save money, lose weight, more energy, clear thinking, no regrets, better relationships, productive mornings, remember everything, feel proud, be present with kids. My ‘lose’ list had 2 items: social ease and Friday night relaxation ritual. Seeing it written out made the choice obvious—I was sacrificing 12 major gains for 2 temporary comforts I could replace with healthier alternatives.”

Question #5: Do I Have to Drink to Enjoy Social Events?

Why This Matters: If you can’t imagine enjoying social situations without alcohol, you’ve made alcohol a prerequisite for connection and fun.

Dig Deeper: When invited to social events, is your first thought about whether there will be alcohol? Do you feel anxious about attending if you can’t drink? Have you avoided events because you couldn’t drink there?

The Honest Answer: Think about the last social event you attended sober (if any). How did it feel? If you can’t remember the last sober social event, that’s information.

What This Reveals: If sobriety feels socially impossible, you’ve either built a life where drinking is required, or you’re avoiding authentic connection by using alcohol as a buffer.

Real-life example: Lisa, 36, realized she hadn’t attended a single adult social event completely sober in fifteen years. “Every wedding, dinner party, birthday, work event—I drank at all of them. The idea of being at a party sober felt terrifying. That terror told me I’d become dependent on alcohol for basic social functioning. Healthy people can enjoy socializing sober. I couldn’t. That was a problem.”

Question #6: Am I Honest With My Doctor About How Much I Drink?

Why This Matters: If you lie to medical professionals about your drinking, you already know it’s a problem—you’re just not ready to admit it.

Dig Deeper: When your doctor asks about alcohol consumption, what do you say? Is it accurate? Do you minimize? Do you think “they don’t need to know the real amount”?

The Honest Answer: What would you tell your doctor if you were completely honest? How different is that from what you actually tell them?

What This Reveals: Lying to your doctor indicates shame and awareness that your drinking exceeds healthy levels. Honesty about drinking means either it’s not a problem or you’ve accepted that it is.

Real-life example: Amanda, 39, admitted she lied to her doctor every annual checkup. “She’d ask ‘how many drinks per week?’ and I’d say ‘4-6′ when the real answer was ’15-20.’ I knew I was lying because I knew the real number would concern her. That awareness that I had something to hide was itself a red flag I was ignoring.”

Question #7: What Am I Avoiding or Numbing With Alcohol?

Why This Matters: If you’re using alcohol to avoid feeling or facing something, stopping drinking means confronting what you’ve been avoiding.

Dig Deeper: What emotions, situations, thoughts, or realities do you drink to escape from? Anxiety? Boredom? Loneliness? Disappointment? Trauma? Stress?

The Honest Answer: Complete this sentence: “If I didn’t have alcohol to help me cope with _____________, I would have to actually deal with _____________.”

What This Reveals: Alcohol is often a temporary solution to permanent problems. Identifying what you’re numbing shows you what actually needs addressing.

Real-life example: Robert, 42, realized he drank to avoid feeling disappointed with his life. “I had a career I hated, a marriage that felt empty, and dreams I’d abandoned. Drinking let me not feel the disappointment for a few hours each night. When I got sober, I had to face all of it—which was painful but necessary. Numbing the pain didn’t make it go away; it just delayed dealing with it.”

Question #8: Is My Drinking Affecting My Relationships?

Why This Matters: People who care about you often notice problems before you’re ready to admit them. Their concerns carry information worth considering.

Dig Deeper: Has anyone expressed concern about your drinking? Has it caused arguments? Have you lied to partners or family about how much you drink? Do you prioritize drinking over time with loved ones?

The Honest Answer: If you asked your closest people “does my drinking negatively affect our relationship?” what would they honestly say?

What This Reveals: If people you trust are concerned, their outside perspective might be more accurate than your inside rationalization.

Real-life example: Patricia, 37, ignored her husband’s concerns for years. “He’d say ‘I think you’re drinking too much’ and I’d get defensive: ‘You’re being controlling.’ When I finally got honest, I realized he wasn’t controlling—he was watching someone he loved hurt themselves and trying to help. My defensiveness was because I knew he was right but wasn’t ready to admit it.”

Question #9: Do I Spend Significant Mental Energy Managing My Drinking?

Why This Matters: If you’re constantly thinking about when you can drink, how much you’ll drink, making rules about drinking, or managing hangovers, alcohol is consuming mental bandwidth.

Dig Deeper: How much time do you spend thinking about alcohol? Planning when you’ll drink? Setting rules for yourself? Justifying your drinking? Managing consequences?

The Honest Answer: Estimate the hours per week you spend thinking about or managing your relationship with alcohol. Include planning, anticipating, drinking, recovering, justifying, and worrying.

What This Reveals: If alcohol is occupying significant mental real estate, it’s become a central part of your life whether you intend that or not.

Real-life example: Michael, 40, tracked his alcohol-related thoughts for one week. “I spent hours planning when I could drink, looking forward to drinking, drinking, recovering from drinking, and worrying about my drinking. I was shocked to realize alcohol occupied 20+ hours of mental space weekly. That’s a part-time job’s worth of mental energy going to managing a substance. I could have used that mental bandwidth for literally anything else.”

Question #10: What Does “Moderation” Actually Mean to Me?

Why This Matters: Most people who struggle with alcohol have tried to moderate. Understanding what moderation means to you—and whether you can consistently achieve it—is crucial.

Dig Deeper: What’s your definition of moderate drinking? Can you stick to it? Have you made and broken “rules” about drinking? How many times have you tried to moderate?

The Honest Answer: How many times have you tried to drink moderately? How many times has it worked long-term? What does that pattern tell you?

What This Reveals: If you’ve tried to moderate repeatedly and can’t maintain it, moderation might not be a viable option for you. Some people can moderate; some can’t. Both are valid—knowing which you are matters.

Real-life example: Kevin, 44, had tried to moderate for 10 years. “I’d set rules: only on weekends, only two drinks, never alone, only wine not liquor—I had a new rule every few months. Each time I’d follow it for a week or two, then break it. After 10 years of failed moderation attempts, I had to accept that moderation doesn’t work for me. Some people can moderate. I’m not one of them. Accepting that freed me to choose differently.”

Question #11: Am I Using Alcohol as a Reward or Coping Mechanism?

Why This Matters: If alcohol is your primary reward or coping tool, you’ve outsourced emotional regulation to a substance instead of developing internal tools.

Dig Deeper: After a hard day, what do you do? After an accomplishment? When stressed? When sad? When celebrating? When anxious? Is the answer consistently “drink”?

The Honest Answer: What percentage of your coping strategies and rewards involve alcohol? What would you do instead if alcohol wasn’t available?

What This Reveals: Limited coping strategies make you dependent on alcohol. Healthy people have multiple tools for managing emotions and rewarding themselves.

Real-life example: Stephanie, 35, realized every single reward and coping mechanism involved alcohol. “Stressful day? Wine. Accomplishment? Wine. Friday? Wine. Sad? Wine. Celebrating? Wine. Anxious? Wine. Alcohol was my only tool for everything. When I couldn’t drink, I had no idea how to cope with or reward myself. I’d never developed actual coping skills because I’d always just drunk my feelings away.”

Question #12: How Much Money Do I Actually Spend on Alcohol?

Why This Matters: The financial cost of drinking is often minimized or ignored. Calculating the actual expense can be sobering (no pun intended).

Dig Deeper: Weekly alcohol purchases, drinks at restaurants/bars, drunk food orders, drunk online shopping, health costs, lost productivity, poor financial decisions while drinking—what’s the real total?

The Honest Answer: Track every alcohol-related expense for one month. Include direct costs (alcohol) and indirect costs (uber rides you wouldn’t need sober, food you only order drunk, things you buy while drinking).

What This Reveals: The financial cost of drinking often exceeds what you’d consciously spend on something you value. Money spent on alcohol could fund other priorities.

Real-life example: Daniel, 38, tracked his spending. “Between wine, bar tabs, and drunk food orders, I was spending $600+ monthly. That’s $7,200 yearly. When I stopped drinking, that money went to a vacation fund. In one year, I saved enough for a trip to Europe I’d been ‘unable to afford’ for a decade. I wasn’t unable to afford it—I was spending the money on alcohol instead.”

Question #13: Do I Feel Like I’m Missing Out When I Can’t Drink?

Why This Matters: Fear of missing out (FOMO) keeps many people drinking even when they want to stop. If not drinking feels like deprivation, you’ve made alcohol essential to enjoyment.

Dig Deeper: When you can’t drink (driving, medication, pregnancy, etc.), do you feel deprived? Do you resent situations where you can’t drink? Do you avoid events where alcohol won’t be available?

The Honest Answer: On a scale of 1-10, how much does the possibility of drinking influence which social events you attend and how much you enjoy them?

What This Reveals: If sobriety feels like deprivation, you believe you need alcohol to have fun. That belief might be wrong—but you won’t know until you test it.

Real-life example: Rachel, 36, avoided events without alcohol and felt resentful when she couldn’t drink. “I’d skip kids’ birthday parties in favor of adult events with alcohol. I’d feel cheated if I was the designated driver. I’d be disappointed if a restaurant didn’t serve wine. Once I admitted that alcohol was determining which life experiences I participated in, I realized how much power I’d given it. I was letting a substance decide what I did and didn’t do.”

Question #14: What Would I Tell a Friend in My Exact Situation?

Why This Matters: We’re often kinder and more honest with others than with ourselves. Giving advice to an imaginary friend can reveal truths you’re avoiding.

Dig Deeper: If your best friend told you everything you’ve acknowledged about your drinking, what would you advise them? Would you be concerned? What would you suggest?

The Honest Answer: Imagine someone you love describing your exact relationship with alcohol. Write the advice you’d give them. Then ask: why am I not taking that advice myself?

What This Reveals: The advice you’d give others often contains wisdom you’re denying yourself. If you’d tell a friend to quit or cut back, that’s probably what you need to hear too.

Real-life example: Thomas, 41, did this exercise. “I imagined my brother telling me exactly what I’d admitted about my drinking. My immediate thought was ‘you need to stop—this is clearly a problem.’ But I’d been telling myself for years that I was fine. Realizing I’d immediately identify it as a problem in someone else but deny it in myself showed how much I was rationalizing and minimizing. I was giving myself permission I’d never give someone I cared about.”

What Your Answers Reveal

If you answered honestly, you now have information:

Questions where you felt defensive reveal where denial lives
Questions that made you uncomfortable reveal truths you’re avoiding
Questions where your answer surprised you reveal blind spots
Questions where you already knew the answer reveal things you’re not ready to act on yet

This awareness is the starting point. You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.

The Three Possible Paths Forward

Path 1: Continue Drinking Exactly As You Are You’ve examined your relationship with alcohol and decided it’s fine. That’s valid—not everyone has a problem. If you answered these questions honestly and genuinely concluded drinking serves you more than it costs you, continue.

Path 2: Experiment With Sobriety Take 30-90 days completely alcohol-free as an experiment. See what changes. See how you feel. See what you learn about yourself and your relationship with alcohol. Then decide what comes next from an informed place.

Path 3: Commit to Sobriety Your answers made it clear: alcohol is taking more from your life than it’s adding. The evidence is undeniable. It’s time to stop—not as punishment, but as self-care.

There’s No Wrong Answer—Only Honest Ones

Your Sober Curious Journey Starts Now

You don’t have to decide forever right now. You just have to decide today. And today, you have options:

Option 1: Take 30 days completely alcohol-free as an experiment. See what happens. See what changes. See what you learn.

Option 2: Join a sober curious community (online or in-person). Connect with others asking these questions.

Option 3: Keep journaling. Continue asking yourself hard questions about your relationship with alcohol.

Option 4: Talk to someone—therapist, doctor, friend who’s sober, anyone who can hold space for your honest exploration.

The sober curious movement isn’t about labeling yourself or committing forever. It’s about being brave enough to ask hard questions and honest enough to sit with the answers.

You asked the questions. You have the answers. Now what?

20 Powerful Quotes About Sobriety and Self-Awareness

“Recovery is an acceptance that your life is in shambles and you have to change it.” — Jamie Lee Curtis
“The chains of addiction are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” — Samuel Johnson
“Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside.” — Unknown
“Sobriety was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.” — Rob Lowe
“What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.” — Hecato
“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.” — Johann Hari
“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.” — Sade Andria Zabala
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” — J.K. Rowling
“Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it’s something that doesn’t get a day off.” — Demi Lovato
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” — J.P. Morgan
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” — Albert Einstein
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt
“Each day in recovery is a miracle. Especially those days that are hard. Those are the days that matter most.” — Unknown
“Your story could be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison.” — Unknown
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” — George Eliot
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” — Japanese Proverb
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” — Deepak Chopra
“One day at a time—this is enough.” — Ida Scott Taylor
“Sobriety is not just about not drinking; it’s about learning to live life on life’s terms.” — Unknown
“Recovery didn’t open the gates of heaven and let me in. Recovery opened the gates of hell and let me out.” — Unknown

Picture This

It’s three months from today. You’re at a social event—the kind where you would have automatically had 3-4 drinks.

But tonight, you’re sober. You’ve been sober for 90 days since asking yourself those fourteen questions.

You think back to the day you read this article. You remember how uncomfortable some questions made you feel. You remember the defensiveness that arose when question #3 asked if you drank more than intended. You remember the clarity that came with question #7 when you admitted what you were avoiding.

You remember sitting with your answers for a week before deciding to try 30 days sober “just as an experiment.”

Those 30 days were hard. Days 7-14 especially. Social events felt awkward. You grieved the loss of your reliable coping mechanism. You had to actually feel your feelings instead of numbing them.

But somewhere around day 25, something shifted. You slept better. You felt clearer. Your anxiety decreased. The things you thought you’d miss felt less important than the things you’d gained.

Day 30 came and you thought: “What if I keep going?” So you did. 30 became 60 became 90.

Tonight, at this party sober, you realize something profound: you’re enjoying yourself more than you did when you drank at events like this. You’re actually present. You’re having real conversations. You’re remembering everything. You’re not worried about what you might say or do. You’ll drive yourself home safely. You’ll wake up tomorrow feeling good instead of guilty.

Someone offers you a drink. You say “No thanks, I’m good” and you mean it. You are good. Better than you’ve been in years.

You think about the person you were 90 days ago—the person who wasn’t ready to quit but was brave enough to ask questions. You feel grateful to that person for being curious instead of defensive, for being honest instead of in denial.

The sober curious experiment became sober living. Not because you had to, but because after 90 days of honest comparison, the choice became obvious: life without alcohol is better.

That version of you—clear, present, genuine, proud—is 90 days away. The journey starts with honest answers to fourteen questions.

Are you brave enough to ask them?

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Share this article with them. Send it to someone who’s “sober curious” but doesn’t know where to start. Post it for everyone who wonders if their drinking is serving them or sabotaging them.

Your share might give someone permission to finally ask themselves the hard questions they’ve been avoiding.

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Let’s create a culture where people can question their drinking without shame, explore sobriety without judgment, and make informed choices about alcohol. It starts with asking honest questions.

Disclaimer

This article is provided for informational and educational purposes only. The content is designed to encourage self-reflection about alcohol use and is not intended to serve as professional medical advice, addiction treatment, diagnosis, or a substitute for care from qualified healthcare providers.

If you are struggling with alcohol abuse or addiction, please seek help from a licensed healthcare provider, addiction specialist, certified counselor, or treatment facility. Alcohol use disorder is a medical condition that requires professional treatment.

These questions are designed for self-reflection and awareness, not self-diagnosis. Only qualified healthcare professionals can diagnose alcohol use disorders or other medical conditions related to drinking.

Individual relationships with alcohol vary significantly. These questions may reveal concerning patterns for some people while others may conclude their drinking is not problematic. Both outcomes are valid—what matters is honest self-assessment.

If you decide to stop drinking, please consult with healthcare providers first, especially if you drink heavily or daily. Alcohol withdrawal can be medically serious and even life-threatening for some individuals. Symptoms can include seizures, delirium tremens, and other complications requiring medical supervision.

The “sober curious” movement encourages questioning your relationship with alcohol without requiring labels or lifelong commitments. Exploring sobriety doesn’t mean you have a problem—it means you’re curious about whether alcohol adds value to your life.

The real-life examples shared in this article are composites based on common experiences and are used for illustrative purposes. They represent typical patterns but are not specific individuals.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please contact SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free, confidential support 24/7.

This article promotes self-awareness and informed decision-making about alcohol, not shame or judgment. There are many valid approaches to addressing alcohol concerns including moderation, abstinence, 12-step programs, SMART Recovery, therapy, medication-assisted treatment, and others. Find what works for you with professional guidance.

By reading this article, you acknowledge that self-reflection about alcohol use is a personal process that may require professional support and comprehensive care. The author and publisher of this article are released from any liability related to the use or application of the information contained herein.

Be honest with yourself. Seek help if you need it. You deserve clarity and health.